Up Your Gas

That title is a double edged sword. It's the name of a magic pill I used to take before formation runs in the USMC so I would be able to keep up. I am inherently slow and lazy. Up your gas kept me in the runs. It also insured that would I vomit on the calves of the person in front of me, something I could accomplish without even breaking stride. I married one of those unfortunate people. Bet you're glad to know that. It also contained ephedra in unscrupulous quantities which should make me eligible for a claim in a class action law suit, only I have no heart problems. I'm just lazy.

The other reason I chose that title for tonight's illustrious entry is that I paid my gas bill today. Up Your Gas loosely rhymes with Shove the Bill up Someone's Ass, which is what I felt like doing. I paid more for one months gas than I pay to drive my SUV in FOUR MONTHS. I also had an energy audit. The auditor became the first human being on the planet earth today to cross the magical threshold into my attic. There was no hidden treasure or skeletons or flowers or dragons up there. There was a vast breeding ground for all the horrible scurrying brown spiders that torture me when I step out, naked and unprotected from the shower. Or reach my hand into the bottom of the laundry separator. There was but one scant, lacy, flimsy little summer shawl layer of insulation. There should be eleven. Thus, I have forked out four hundred dollars to melt the snow off the roof.