Lately

Whew. It feels like both a million years and a heartbeat since I last blogged. Time has ceased to define anything for the last few weeks. Here's what I've gathered so far:

1. Grief is like sitting on your feet so long that they lose feeling. As soon as you try to stand up you realize that there's no feeling at all and that perhaps the two slabs of meat attached to your ankles are not yours at all to command. Then the blood comes rushing back all at once and hits you like a curveball. You can't move. Even the smallest movement of your littlest finger reverberates through your body down to your throbbing feet. You can't concentrate on anything but the pain. You're afraid the pain might never end. But it does lessen and you're left with pins and needles, still a bit shaky but able to walk around even if it is with a limp. I'm limping now. Grief is the single worst feeling there is. You know how when something really good is about to happen like Christmas or a date with that really hot Scottish guy in the band you've worshipped for eight years? You know how you get that little twinge of anticipation every time you think of it and the twinge makes you act a little nicer to everyone and makes even balancing your checkbook tolerable? Well, grief is the exact opposite. Grief is the grand wizard of all things crappy and the little twinges make you suck just a little bit more when they come, and they do. It's like sitting back down on your pins and needles for a little while.

2. My grandfather always told me to surround myself with people better than I am. Thank God I listened. If there's anything positive about this grandiose saga of shit, it's that when I fell off the tightrope because my two little slabs of feet wouldn't hold me up, I fell into a net. There is nothing I could possibly write that could express my gratitude to those of you who caught me. There has not been one moment, since the terrible moment of truth in the "family room" at the hospital till this one right now in front of my computer that I have felt alone. So many people have reached out to us... the fact brings tears to my eyes. I am so thankful.

So, tommorow is Thanksgiving. I hope you have a wonderful day. I hope you have something to be thankful for. Safe Travels and Tryptophan for all. (BTW - I just found out that one would have to eat more than one turkey for the tryptophan to put one to sleep. The sleepy feeling is really from the gross amount of food crammed into one's stomach.)
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